Dealing with depression over my pain (post-viral myalgia) and physical limitations has led me to frenetic searching of God's Word for answers and comfort. I got to a point where I just wanted God to let me come home. I'd had enough. Just one thing after another goes wrong. The middle of May was when this disorder hit me five years ago. It's been an interesting ride of deep, dark valleys, short highs, then dark nights of the soul.
When a sponge is squeezed, what will come out? Whatever is inside. When my body betrayed me,I was squeezed hard. Thinking I had a strong faith, I grew weak when I observed what was being squeezed out of me. Pain has the unique dynamic of making you focus only on yourself and live inside yourself.
This what I was thinking:
1. By the time we finish high school we have a basic plan for our lives. Never, that I know of, does that plan include all the terrible and painful things we go through.
2. When there are tragic disruptions from our plans, such as death, divorce, illness, we feel that maybe God doesn't like us. I can totally understand the bitterness of an elderly person who thinks their life has been horrible and just wants to get away from it all. I've been there.
3. We think we are being punished for some thing we did, but have no idea what it is, because we know we have been forgiven.
God showed me some things:
Life IS the good times AND the bad times. I'm not saying something like death shouldn't affect us, or we should be unfeeling zombies, but living every day in the pain of an event is not life either...even if there is pain everyday. There is a time for mourning, to be sure, but it is not a place to live. Life goes on, and the perspective you have is a major determination of whether that will be a miserable existence or a life of peace and joy.
There is a saying I like to quote, "You don't ever get over some things in your life, but you get through them." And you don't go through them alone. I have felt Jesus with me every time. If you don't have Christ in your life, however, you don't have the grace or peace that comes with knowing him.
Now, there is no one I know who longs for Heaven more than I do. I can hear it, smell it, taste it...almost touch it some days. I LOVE Heaven, because He whom my soul loves is there. But I love it here too. My life has never been easy, but that seems to be the way some people's lives are. I've seen people whose lives were easy. Things just seemed to go the way they wanted, but that was not God's plan for me.
God has blessed me with so many good moments and people in my life that it far out-weighs the bad times. When you step back and look at things with an eternal perspective, the bad things seem to fade away. For instance, 10 years ago I was distressed and distraught from losing David's mom, having a baby with health problems, fighting to keep custody of my son, adjusting to diabetes, and David being laid off from one job then another, etc. These were not small problems, but there was so much good that happened during that time and since that time too. It is life. Good, then bad, then sad, then blessed. It's just part of living in a fallen world. But, it won't be forever. Yes, it's great to long for Heaven, but also know that you are here now, because God wants you to be...there is a reason to all this madness.
Ask yourself, "What difference is this going to make 10 years from now?" "What difference is this going to make after I've spent 7,000 years out of FOREVER in Heaven?" Some events do change you for the rest of your life, but know that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. If your not getting stronger, then get in God's word.
Why do bad things happen?
1. We live in place cursed by sin
2. We have a God that knows what is best for us, even if it in no way looks like it.
3. Suffering is a part of being a Christian. Jesus promised it. 2 Peter talks about it as a calling.
If God wanted you to suffer, so others could see how Jesus makes a difference in your life, would you do it? Hmmm. Hard question. My answer, after much searching, is YES! As long as He is with me, and helps me. Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute, sometimes. I figure it's the least I can do for all He's done for me. Who am I to complain, when I've been given more than I ever deserve?
I pray this message brings peace to a suffering soul. If you have more you would like to discuss with me about this, just let me know.
In Christ's love,
Kimberly
